Friends

It Has been a little while since i have posted on here. I have been busy, way way way busy! Since school started and i have 3 kids not just 2 any more, i have a jam packed schedule! Especially with football! I wanted to talk about friends today. In recent years i have lost quite a few. I consider myself to be a great  friend, so i never quite understood what it was that caused these friendships to fade over time. I am loving, loyal, i go the extra mile, i make time, put others 1st & if i can help you i will. All these things are what i look for in a friend, but i usually can't find quite the same devotion to the friendship as i have. As the years go by i am learning that my expectations will never quite be met, except by one.God. He has never left me, never hurt me, never given me a reason to feel abandoned. I look into the myriad of friendships & i see one consistent. They all eventually hurt me, & when i say hurt, hurt badly. It could be the words they say, the actions they do,things they stole, whatever. I also see that never once in any of these friendships was God relevant. I am learning God has a lot to say about friendships in the Bible. Job 16:20 (KJV)My friends scorn me: but mine eye poureth out tears unto God. This is how i feel about recent events over the past few months. I know in my heart that i have done nothing to deserve the treatment i have been given, but i have been selfishly trying to ask God to remove the hurt. Instead i need to remember, Jesus never asked to be betrayed by his disciples, hurt by his friends, crucified on the cross. He only prayed "father forgive them, they know not what they do". Moving forward past this is hard for me. When i trust people fully, i want explanations, reasons & a chance to right the wrong. It is hard for me to leave things alone & go on my way, when i don't understand it. God has gently reminded me that i don't have to. That there are reasons they are not my friends any longer. Maybe our friendship was based on something that was not in God's plan to have in my life any longer. I have to bring it to God, leave it in His care & walk away knowing that what i don't know, He surely does. I am so grateful He gave me my husband & that He is always there as well. Without God & my husband, i wouldn't be where i am today. Thank you Heavenly Father for the love you have poured out into my life. Thank you for how much you gave for me & those who have hurt me. Help me to leave this hurt, this burden in your care, & remember i can cast ALL my cares on you. Bring those into my life that i NEED, not the ones that i want. Teach me to be a better friend than what i am & help me to learn how to stop having expectations & in the process being let down. I love you Lord  thank you for sending your Son to die for me & my many sins. Help me to become who YOU want me to be & not what i think i should be. In Jesus's name Amen.

God's Got This!

Hello :) I haven't come to share in quite awhile. God has been doing AMAZING things in my life. I am learning & growin & I AM PRAISING HIM! I feel like i am getting to the place i am content. Content to let my God handle my needs, my comfort, my sorrows, my failings, my weakness, my hurts & my relationships. The more i realize i am unable to control everything in mine & my family's lives, the more i realize i can count on God. He has EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL!!! Sometimes i forget, & i run around stressing myself out trying to move the pieces around myself on the chess board of my life. I forget that im not a great chess player, & i don't understand the rules. I have a master player that i can ask for help anytime, anywhere & here i am playing it MY WAY! I have learned to stop, ask & then LISTEN. The more i open my heart to God's Word, to His Spirit, the less i am stressed out & the less i am holding on to the past failures that clutter my mind & keep me hostage. I WANT to be His vessel, I DESIRE to know Him more intimately, I CRAVE His Presence daily & i MISS Him when i allow sin to seperate my soul from His face.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you Father for being there time & time again, for reaching down & picking me up, while brushing off my knees once more. Thank you for the understanding of Your ways & the compassion you have shown me. Thank you for the Joy that wells deep inside me while i worsip you with a less than perfect voice. Thank you for the ppl you have surrounded me with that help continually to bring my focus back to YOU & thank you for sending your very own Son to die for ME.......lil ole me! I Praise you & thank you Father in the name of YOUR Son Jesus Christ Amen

Your Daughter,
Elisa

Broken Labels

So it's been a little bit since i wrote :) I am happy to say that i am OFFICIALLY Mrs. Scharf !!! I know, i know! Exciting stuff! Yes i DID get a marriage licence & yes..........we are LEGAL. I wanted to discuss some of my thoughts, about after marriage today. Being a pretty intelligent YOUNG woman (i can't get over how young i feel no matter WHAT my age is!) I know that marriage isn't a "fix-all" by any means. The same things you struggled with before, you most likely will carry into the marriage. I was really kind of frightened by this. I want to be better, i want to grow & i want to be the best wife/mother/step-mother i can be! I struggle greatly with realizing it isn't just ME anymore. I have a helper! I have a husband to help me bear the weight of this sometimes crazy hamster wheel called life. I also have Someone bigger, God. I think God has been reminding me of this lately. During the wedding preparations, i forgot. So many questions, all directed at me, so many moving pieces & parts. I couldn't maintain my emotions, i snapped at people, i cried, i was incredibly stressed out! It caused me to lose my joy in the very event that should have been my most enjoyable day! I can't go back & change it, but i CAN learn from it. I can learn to PRAY 1st, ask my husband for help 2nd & breathe deeply 10xs before talking! I needed to step away from it all & gain my composure, but instead i took on more & more responsibility. It is OK to ask for help, especially from God. He probably was laughing at my insane ability to always try MY way 1st, & was simply watching & waiting for me to realize, it's HIS way anyway! Now i want to get to the part that probably most people wouldn't go into. Before i was right with God, obviously, i had 2 children. Yes i know, sex outside of marriage is wrong. Having multiple relationships sexually is even more wrong. Continuing down this road, when you know it's wrong, yea.........WRONG! I am not proud of my mistakes. I am not glorifying it in anyway, but i AM glad God brought me through it with some understanding for others. I allowed people to tell me some serious lies when it came to myself. I was told "no man wants a woman not a virgin anymore. no one will marry you since you have kids to another man. your stained & broken for life". Our church began a series this month called "Real Housewives of the Bible". In this series, we studied the "sinful woman". She was a prostitute (my 1st instinct was "well I'm not THAT bad!") that came to the house of religious leaders of her day to see Jesus. She came even though she knew she wouldn't be welcome. She received such a look of love & empathy she broke & began to cry. Her tears washed the feet of Jesus & she dried them with her hair, then poured perfume over His feet. As i listened to the story my heart cried out to God. Even though i have never sold my body for money, did i not sell myself for physical & emotional gratification?! I felt ashamed. How could i even begin to expect my daughter to look at my example & NOT follow it?! I allowed the lies that someone told me, to color what GOD told me. He tells us, if we repent, He is Faithful & will forgive us our sins. So long i have carried the labels of Broken, Single, Worthless, & Lost. I had a hard time letting an amazing person into my life because of it. I felt in some ways i deserved to feel this loneliness, the emptiness of being a single parent, far from her parents with no one to help. I felt like it didn't matter if i continued to sin, i had already been "soiled". Ladies, please listen to me. I can't pretend that i am somehow better off now myself then i was, but i am better off by Jesus's blood than i was! I CAN be clean again! I am washed by the Blood! How freeing it was to realize the chains of those labels don't match up to the Power of Jesus's sacrifice! This brings me to where i am going with this. My new husband & I had not been living with in the parameters of the Bible when we first met. I was on my way to living a more Spirit-filled life, but as we all know some habits die hard. We began a physical relationship after awhile, even though i was so shell shocked from previous relationships. I did attempt to keep it from going down that path, but i was doing it in MY own power, & i never once asked God for help. We began attending church together & my husband came to know God. We began meeting with counselor's because we were honsetly interested in marriage & becoming closer to God. They never treated us differently, never looked down on us in any way & i love that about my church home. They did however make it clear that a physical relationship before marriage was wrong. They were quick to clarify that that didn't make our ENTIRE relationship wrong, but it was an area we needed to get under God's will. We made the decision together that we needed to stop. We were able to do it, with God's help, but it WAS hard! I am soooooooo greatful we did now though! People tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper, but they are wrong. It is a covenant before God & people. The day we made that covenant was amazing! I no longer feel that touching my husband is sinful, or somehow wrong. I can enjoy our intimate moments & not have feelings of remorse or regret later. I can have JOY knowing this time, I can plan to have a child with someone i will spend my life with. I am thrilled i will have a helper, someone to help share parenting & no painful seperations from my child. I can not fix the pain of that for my older kids & it causes me heartache daily. I cry because the fruit of my actions are why they have fathers that are essentially not part of their lives. How gracious & amazing is it, however, that they can have the love of a father figure within their lives now?! THAT IS GOD'S LOVE! He CAN help. He WILL Help. All you have to do is follow His plans for you! How are you not following God's plans today?!! ASK HIM TO HELP :) I promise it will bring you so much MORE Joy than you could ever know!

Submitting to God's Will

So i have been doing alot......ALOT.......let me say it again ALOT of soul searching. I am far from perfect. THis i know. I tend to form opinions based on several different things (not just whims FYI) & once my mind is made up i am IMPOSSIBLE to convince otherwise. Well i was, till today! I wrote about the marriage liscence a little bit ago. I researched it exstensively, through blogs, articles, legal advice & leaders in churches (not just mine). Some said i was right in my quest to marry without one, while others said i was wrong & needed to procure one. I wrestled & wrestled with it. My convictions were based on sound principles & reasoning that a liscence was orignally created for something that was otherwise ILLEGAL. WHAT?!! Since when is marriage illegal?! & if it was, is that not against God's law?! He is the one that instituted the whole thing! Then i learned that it was 1st issued to slaves or "negro's" wanting to marry!!! That is racism in its finest & i am UTTERLY APPALLED at the fact somewher in our history we acted as though human beings were less than that. THat we treated them as property & gave them no basic right. I am glad i din't live then because undoubtly i would have been an integral part of the underground railroad & probably imprisoned or hanged! However thats my ADD kickin in so back on subject. These were great reasons not to get one, but here came the bomb. The wording in the liscence is that Husband & Wife are entering into a contract marriage not only with each other but the state. Um.......3 parties for 1 marriage.......= polygamy right? Well that cinched it. I was gonna make sure that i didn't obtain a liscence. Furthermore there were basic wordings in there that say the state has the right to any fruits of the union. Property, money, CHILDREN!!!!! My Mom instincts revved up on high alert & i was amazed at how NO ONE i knew could tell me they knew this! People sign these everyday & yet have NO IDEA what they are signing. So there it was. My decision. NO MARRIAGE LISCENCE. I shared my findings with my parents, my Fiancee' & my church leaders. My parents saw the logic, my Fiancee' said he understood (maybe he just didnt want to argue) & my church leaders basically said well......you're wrong. I spent alot of time reading & researching what OTHER people thought, felt, or prayed on but yet never ASKED GOD. The most important person to ask in EVERYTHING. My church leader said he didnt feel right marrying us without one. My Fiancee' argued saying if the church leader said it we gotta do it. I argued back how can you say that when YOU haven't researched it to form your own opinion?!! All you are doing is listening to someone elses opinions over me!!!! I prayed & asked God for His peace, for me to find understanding & direction. I again researched & looked up Biblical verses on marriage & authority as well as laws. Here is the culmination of my findings. Romans 13:1-3 says, "Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God. So anyone who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and they will be punished. For the authorities do not strike fear in people who are doing right, but in those who are doing wrong. Would you like to live without fear of the authorities? Do what is right, and they will honor you." The last question screamed out at me. YES i thought, thats the problem i am afraid of the government & what they will do if i obtain this liscence! God says though if i do what is right, (aka lawful/legal) then i can live without fear. I still had mixed feelings about it though. I couldn't shake my opinion that i didn't FEEL good about it. Then i read this statement from the writer of the blog "There is no magic pill that can make you feel good about having to submit to authority—any authority.  But know when you make the conscious effort to do what God says, regardless of how it feels, you are planting a wonderful seed that will produce a harvest in your life. 
You can't expect a harvest of blessings from people who will respect and honor you, if you haven't first planted the seeds.  So as hard as it is, start planting!" WOW!!!! How did this person know to write that just for me? I'm sure he didn't but God used it as a way to open my eyes just a little more. I continued my search & read this Eph. 5:23-32
"For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his life to be her Savior. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything." Even though Steve is not yet my husband, he is making the decision that he wants to be. So i have to take into account what he thinks & his decisions. If i want to be a Godly wife, does that start now or later? Well i can't be Godly if i don't submit to authority. The Bible is VERY clear on that."Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. (NIV)"
I guess what i owe is one marriage liscence. I am counting on the fact of one simple verse to protect me & my family. Romans 8:31 "What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us?" I want deep down to follow God's path. I make many many mistakes but this is one thing i don't wanna mess up. I want God to bless our marriage & i want us to be a stronger unit together than alone. If it takes me doing something i don't feel good about to do so then i am willing to follow my Church leaders advice & Steve's wishes on this matter. God tells us to follow those in authority over us & i feel that as part of the head of the church my leader is in a God ordained position of authority over my marriage. His thought are the State required a liscence as a legal represention of our marriage. He wouldn't preform our ceremony without one. Therefore i have to (well i dont HAVE TO but to follow God's will i must CHOOSE to)follow the State's law, My leaders advice & submit reguardless of my personal opinion. How many times does God ask us to do things we don't personally think are good? Alot. God DOES promise us though that if we are faithful & follow His ways He will take care of us. I have learned that even in my obstinate ways He loves me unconditionally & He never gives up trying to show us His love. Thank you God for shaping me & molding me. THank you for the gentle reminder that YOU are in control, not me, not Steve, not the church & not the state. YOU have final authority over it all. All i have to do is listen & follow you. I love you God. Please forgive my ignorance, my stubborness, & sometimes my ability to follow my feelings instead of youe Word. Please keep directing my feet so i can draw closer to you In Jesu's name i pray Amen.

Being the Best Me

Hello! I have missed ya'll! I haven't been here for a little while. I kinda got a little side tracked & busy with all things wedding! God worked out the kinks & i have my reception paid, I GOT A RING!!!!! & most of all i am getting a wonderful husband that thirsts after God :) I really have NO IDEA how God decided to bless me so greatly in spite of my flawed views of selfish wanting, but He did! I am extremely greatful & praise Him for all He has accomplished because in my own strength i just couldn't have gotten it all done! I read a blog today about Esther 9 & it grabbed me & pulled me in. She came BOLDY to the throne.......why don't WE as people get that? We can aproach God's throne anytime, anywhere, just like Esther could. Why do we choose to flounder, worry & wonder when all we have to do is throw ALL our cares before Him? The best part is He has already seen what will happen & can prepare us for it all, yet here we are stumbling around, worried if we can pay our bills, have enough food, if gas will get higher! WAKE US UP GOD PLEASE! Remind us of Your Grace & Mercy, Remind us of your Faithfulness & Love. Give us peace in the midst of such turmoil & hurt. Help us remember WE CAN DO NOTHING WITHOUT YOU! & that for you it is nothing but to speak a few words! I love you God for all you have given & all you have taken because i am learning to trust you more every day! Love your daughter Elisa

Marriage - State Permission or God's

So i am 6 weeks away from my wedding. I am excited, nervous, thrilled, happy, worried & stressed! I want our day to be perfect! I started crossing off the last few things on my list of things to do & Marriage Liscence popped out at me. I am not quite sure what made me do it, but i decided to research the requirements for a marriage liscence. As i began reading, the biggest thing i noticed is there is NO BIBLICAL statement that a marriage ceremony or contract by law is required for being joined in Holy matrimony before God. I find that extrememly interesting. God of course expects us to be united under HIS laws, but the Bible is very non-descriptive of exactly what we are to do LEGALLY. As i continued researching, i cam across a post from a pastor who told a few stories. One of them was about a mother who was told by the state they were going to remover her child from her home for a period of 48hours till they could check the situation out for child abuse. When she questioned on what authority they had to remove her child, they stated by your marriage & birth certificates you signed you gave the state permission. WHAT?!!! Have you ever checked into exactly the seriousness of signing a birth certificate & what exactly it means? For that matter a marriage liscence? Wikipedia: A marriage license (American English) or marriage licence (British English) is a document issued, either by a church or state authority, authorizing a couple to marry. The procedure for obtaining a license varies between countries and has changed over time. Marriage licenses began to be issued in the Middle Ages, to permit a marriage which would otherwise be illegal (for instance, if the necessary period of notice for the marriage had not been given). Did you read that? "to permit a marriage that would otherwise be illegal"........who's law do we follow when we are getting married? Who implimented marriage? God did! So what purpose does a marriage liscence serve when, if a man asks a womans father for permission, as head of that family & permission is granted? What purpose does it serve when the couple come before witness's & before God agreeing to live by God's laws of matrimony? Who are we requesting permission from by obtaining it? GOD or the state? This brings me to, do i want to even open this door? I am going to seriously pray about this matter. WHen you sign any document it becomes LEGAL & BINDING in a COURT OF LAW. If you sign a state liscence request, you are requesting them to give you permission over a GOD GIVEN right. How can they? THey are not God. ANy thoughts on this are appreciated if you can give me Biblical knowledge & Biblical perspective. I am not saying i am against marriage by any means, just not sure how i feel now about marriage liscences.

Love

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed by emotion that it feels like your very skin will burst right of the bones of your skeleton? I do.......i get what i & my Fiancee' call "urges". Sometimes they are in a very exuberant loving manner, to the point i overwhelm the person i am "loving up". Sometimes however i have these impulses that are completely mischievous or plain ignorant. I won't focus on those but i do have them & it's a struggle to keep myself from acting on them at times! The ones i am feeling this morning however, are loving ones. I feel so full of love for my family i just want to impulsively buy them lavish gifts, squish hug em till they turn purple, or call them at this ungodly hour & just say I LOVE YOU loudly! I DID stop at McDonald's at 4:30am & buy my kids sausage mcgriddles for breakfast that are sitting on the counter cold right now seeing My daughter's not getting up till 6am & my son probably 8am. <sigh> i guess patience IS a virtue! Have you ever contemplated the different variations of love? I have in my mind compartments in my <3 & mind. I have a special place full of motherly love & instincts for my kids. I have a HUGE spot in my life all the way around for God (even though i tend to forget to communicate with Him as often as i want to!) I feel a deep love & faith connected to my very core for all things Spiritual. Even at my worst point in life, i NEVER thought there wasn't a God. It's been something that i feel has always been in the center of my soul, like an Spiritual umbilical cord, connecting me to my Heavenly Father. Even when my life was in chaos i trusted He would never let me fall so far i couldn't get back up with His help. I then have a place for people i have invested my time & energy in. I am incapable of letting go completely of old friends,& ex boyfriends or so it seems. My Fiancee' says i am a "people hoarder"! I feel like why shouldn't you continue to care about such people, when you at one time cared for them a great deal more?! I don't understand how if your friendship or relationship didn't end on a bad note, why most people have a difficult time still being in the persons life, at least a small amount. I have come to the conclusion i am just somewhat of an anomaly when it comes to this type of thinking. I also have come to realize you have to place a priority on this thinking as well. If the person you are currently involved in a relationship with is threatened by this, then you have to take clear & established steps forward so they know THEY are the more important person in your life. That brings me to my "Steve" box. God is 1st, & then there's Steve's box. His box fits perfectly w/me inside of God's box. It's kind of like those nesting end tables that they have in furniture stores. God's the top one, then Steve & i fit perfectly into both.There are times i am fiercely consumed with so much emotion all i can do is hug Steve & make some sort of primitive growling sound. The good thing is i feel like he understands that about me. He laughs often at my "urges". He just shakes his head & say "i love you". I wonder if God does that too :) I hope He gets enjoyment out of His creation in me :) Anyhow somewhere in all these compartments & boxes is another BIG box for family. ALL of them! I am adopted but i love each & every one of my biological & adopted family members. I can't begin to tell you how many there seem to be (maybe one day I'll count)but i tell you what, God must have known i was a people hoarder so He gave me so much family i didn't feel like i needed to hoard any more! LOL.......He has blessed me richly with a lot of love. I wouldn't be me with out either family! I sometimes think each side has trouble understanding, that with out the other one, i wouldn't be who i am! I understand there's a lot of raw emotion for everyone involved, but i don't get why each feel the need to question their place in my life. I get the feeling each time i talk to one side or the other that they are weighing out if so & so is better or worse than me. In the end my love is not based on who gave me life, who gave me food, who gave me clothes, who gave me my thick hair. My love is based on simply who they are to ME & family by blood or adoption is who that is! I needed one sides blood, gene's, troubles, looks & love to be given that life so that i could have the love, respect, family life & foundation of the other! Did i mention my parents & mother will be at my wedding?How AWESOME is that?! idk if my father will be there (hoping but then again he is a little unpredictable) but if he was how AWESOME would it be? I can look in each of their faces at the SAME EXACT TIME & say.........i am her in this very moment because of you.........all of YOU! Without any one of you.........there would be no moment. No me. Thank you! :) THAT IS THE EPITOME OF LOVE..........Thank you Lord for allowing me to be me. Even if sometimes my unique qualities have made me feel less than others & extremely awkward at times. I am growing to see that my uniqueness is a blessing, as i am able to see the world FULL of colors & not only dullness. Thank you for the qualities i have to love & care for others, even in circumstances less than best Lord. Use me, Father, because i know i am this way for a reason. Show me why Lord, & let me be used of you. In Jesus name AMEN